Open thread

hairshirthedonist – looks good to me. We’ll have to set you up with a Surly Lowside…

https://surlybikes.com/collections/lowside

Comes in three colors – Blue Monday, New Pig Smell, or Dream Tangerine.

Surly has the best color names ever.

There was mourning amongst Grauniad readers when Marina Hyde revealed last week that it was her last column. However, she is now on Substack, and if the following is anything to go by, as good as ever. I’m going to try to resist taking out a subscription, because I have too many, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold out; she is a rare beam of light in the media.

Always On with Marina Hyde
What Would Jesus Do … if he were Pete Hegseth?
SPOILER: he wouldn’t livestream an execution
Marina Hyde
Oct 15, 2026

I forget who it was who said “the Christian right tends to be neither” – but it’s such a great line.

In fact, staying in the area of brutal religious irony, it’s remarkable how often those who push the inquiry “What Would Jesus Do?” tend to have extremely off-base ideas of what Jesus would actually do.

Could there be a greater case in point than Pete Hegseth? I have no idea whether the US defence secretary is one of those malevolent overlords of our time who, like Palantir chair Peter Thiel, quite literally believes in the existence of the Antichrist. But if the Antichrist is real and is out there, then I one hundred per cent believe he has a clavicle tattoo of the words: “What would Pete Hegseth do?” I bet he finds it a guiding light.

Let’s consider the facts. One recent answer to the question “What would Pete Hegseth do?” was “Pete Hegseth would use a category five shitpost of a speech to military officers to explain he was giving the army a makeover – ‘no fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos’.” And then, in that same speech, Pete Hegseth would announce the creation of an ‘Office of Religious Affairs’ inside the Pentagon that would report directly to him. Oh. Was the separation of church and state just a trial separation? Are mom and dad getting back together and grossing the kids out by telling them they feel like teenagers again?

But there was more. Because not two weeks after this speech, Pete Hegseth would announce that on December 3rd, the United States is going to execute Nidal Hasan, the terrorist who carried out a 2009 attack on the Fort Hood army base – and they’re going to livestream it.

Yep, livestream an execution. Just like certain of their enemies do. The enemies, in fact, that Pete regards as so bestial that he genuinely has a Crusades tattoo. Take a look – it’s right there on his bicep. A big “Deus Vult”, which means God Wills It, and which was used as a battle cry during the first crusade in the 11th century. Elsewhere on Pete’s epidermis – which is so aggressively inked that it resembles a cell wall in a supermax prison – is the word “Kafir”, meaning “infidel”. Which probably got a couple of shout-outs during the Crusades too.

One day soon in this space, I promise to do a best-to-worst ranking of the Hegseth “body art” – but we don’t have time for that today, because the livestreaming element wasn’t all we learned about the execution optics. No, another detail soon emerged.

It rendered me a little speechless, so I’ll let the New York Times report handle this bit:

“Whether Major Hasan, who uses a wheelchair, will be shot sitting down or strapped upright to face the firing squad is unclear.”

Well now. Really it is impossible to read and then reread that sentence and not be reminded of Ronald Reagan’s farewell address as president – the one when he said he’d been thinking about “the shining city on the hill”. “The phrase comes from John Winthrop,” explained a misty-eyed Reagan, “who wrote it to describe the America he imagined…” Mm. I guess Winthrop just wasn’t quite enough of an idealist to imagine a livestreamed paraplegic execution.

It still feels wild that all this happened so soon after that same Hegseth speech, in which the defence secretary also opted to remind people that “Jesus said do unto others that which you would have done to yourself”. And yes, according to the Bible, Jesus did say that, didn’t he? So, what would Jesus do? In this situation? Well you know, guys … and I can’t believe I’m having to type this, and far be it from me to put thoughts into the son of God’s mouth, but …. I JUST DON’T THINK JESUS WOULD BE PRO THE IDEA OF PUBLIC EXECUTIONS, GIVEN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO HIM.

I mean, really? Really? The sheer grim cosmic absurdity of livestreaming an execution in Jesus’s name feels some way beyond even that iconic stand-up routine in which the late great Bill Hicks observed: “Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he’s gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? That’s maybe why he hasn’t shown up yet. ‘The men are still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I’m not going, Dad. No, they totally missed the point.’ … You know, it’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on. ‘Just thinking of John, Jackie. We love him.’”

Speaking of guns… is the December 3rd firing squad even going to be able to hit what I’m afraid the sheer facts of this dystopian horror show require us to describe as a SITTING target? Because for those of us observing the US from countries without the death penalty, the second weirdest thing is how bad executioners seem to be at the job. You probably saw the other week that the state of Tennessee failed to execute a 50-year-old murderer called Christa Pike. She survived not one but two “lethal” injections of a drug.

As possibly hinted at above, I am anti the death penalty. Furthermore, I don’t mean to state the obvious, but if they want it, WHY ARE THEY SO BAD AT IT? If killing people is their aim, how can they be this inept at it?

Again, not to state the obvious but literally everyone they try to put to death has managed to successfully kill someone, yet … what? They can’t do it? Why can’t they get it together? Is it worth asking death row inmates for tips on getting the job done? Just a thought. Hang on, they seem to have done just that. Christa Pike was observed in the execution chamber spending a long time suggesting the best places for the bungling professionals to find a good vein.

But somehow, the executioners still botched it. Perhaps it’s time to consider alternative methods of dispatch for a 50 year-old woman. What would Jesus do? Maybe leave her in West Virginia with no healthcare plan and “let nature take its course”. What, too near the knuckle? Please. Apologies to the shining city upon the hill, but if you’re doing a livestream execution, you have forfeited the right to be treated tastefully FOREVER.