The quiet grief of adult friendship

Something totally non-political (I think, though I’m sure someone will prove me wrong), but I thought this piece, an essay from someone I’ve never read, was insightful. Here is the final graf.

Despite impossible schedules and emotional fatigue, some friends continue returning. They send memes during meetings. They remember your important dates. They call you out-of-the-blue. Not because it is convenient. But because somewhere, beneath all the exhaustion adulthood imposes, they still consider your inner life important. Sometimes it is simply the stubborn decision to keep returning to people despite the world constantly training you to prioritise everything else.

I think the essay rings true, but it fails to note that as we get older, we don’t have many opportunities to make new friends. We aren’t diving into new hobbies, checking out different places, finding ourselves with people who we don’t know. I’ve come to the realization that the relationships I have, because they are here in Japan, have an extra measure of fragility. Anyway, something non-political for y’all.

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Steve in Manhattan
Steve in Manhattan
2 days ago

This reminds me of some calls I need to make. And my wife may yet take me to live in Japan … how is it?

GftNC
GftNC
1 day ago

This article has been on my mind, in a melancholy sort of way. I have long realised that new friends seem (almost by definition) insubstantial compared to old friends, and as the ranks of old friends thin out I think often and with resignation about Christopher Hitchens saying you can’t make old friends. Such is life, I guess.

By the way, reading some of the comments, various people seem to be convinced it is written by AI, with many of the tell-tale signs. I have already gathered in the past that I am not any good at spotting when that is the case – does anybody here with experience of this phenomenon have an opinion on whether this is indeed AI generated?

CharlesWT
CharlesWT
1 day ago

Bottom Line
The author is legitimate and previously wrote authentic columns. However, this specific article shows a clear stylistic shift consistent with heavy or full AI generation, corroborated by both detector tools and in-depth textual forensics. The “quiet grief” it describes now includes the quiet grief many readers feel upon realizing the essay itself may be an optimized simulation of human reflection rather than an unoptimized presence.

The debate continues because the piece is well-crafted and the topic universal, but the evidence tilts strongly toward AI origin.”

Is the article AI-generated

nous
nous
1 day ago

gftnc – It’s hard to say how much of it is AI generated, but it certainly looks to me like it was, at the very least, punched up by a run through one of the LLMs. There’s a lot of affective language that is being strung together with very little concrete detail to ground any of it in one person’s individual life experience. The details are all vague, generic, and universal, as are the sentiments being expressed. It works, but it works by stringing together a lot of commonly expressed sentiments in ways that sound eloquent. To use a musical metaphor, it’s more blues jam than sonata. It riffs on a basic form rather than complicating or developing a distinctive initial statement.

Doesn’t mean it’s not evocative or relatable. Even if it is AI slop, or a patchwork of human writing and punchier language mixed in by LLM based on its own special mix of plagiarism purée, it’s aiming dead center of the human sentiment bell curve, which gives it a relatable quality even if there are no specific life details to be found anywhere in it.

I predict that in the next five years we will see a writerly backlash against this sort of writing and a push for essay genres that are cantankerously and distinctively personal in both voice and content.

`wonkie
`wonkie
1 day ago

I thought the writer intended to be generic rather than specific. The purpose is to speak to all of us old people so we can fill in the details from our own lives.

nous
nous
9 hours ago

I should add that LLMs are also trained to agree with the prompter, and this is also part of a strategy for getting people to engage with the LLM more frequently and to rely on it for validation:

https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aec8352

Editor’s summary:

The sycophantic (flattering, people-pleasing, affirming) behavior of artificial intelligence (AI) chatbots, which has been designed to increase user engagement, poses risks as people increasingly seek advice about interpersonal dilemmas. There is usually more than one side to a story during interpersonal conflicts. If AI is designed to tell users what they want to hear instead of challenging their perspectives, then are such systems likely to motivate people to accept responsibility for their own contribution to conflicts and repair relationships? Cheng et al. measured the prevalence of social sycophancy across 11 leading large language models (see the Perspective by Perry). The model’s responses were nearly 50% more sycophantic than humans’, even when users engaged in unethical, illegal, or harmful behaviors. Users preferred and trusted sycophantic AI responses, incentivizing AI developers to preserve sycophancy despite the risks.

As far as adult friendships go, I’ve found that hobbies and interests still have strong potential. I’ve met or deepened relationships with several new people through playing table top role-playing games – mostly since the pandemic. I’ve met and interacted personally with many people through heavy metal subculture. I’m meeting more through getting involved in bicycle advocacy and environmental stuff. Several of the friendships have even persisted after one of us has lost interest in the thing that brought us together in the first place.